Parents Raising Young Children, Take Heed

A recent report taken from Blue Cross Blue Shield survey data reveals that members of the millennial generation (people born between 1981 and 1996 and who were 21 to 36 years old in 2017) have increased levels of mental and emotional suffering, higher rates of substance abuse, and higher rates of suicide when compared to members of the previous Generation X. The report (https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-gen-x-mortality-rate-mental-health-depression-2019-11) consists of survey responses, and while this is not technically sound research, it still casts a broad light and brings up interesting information. For parents raising young children, this information is extremely helpful to avoid the pitfalls in which many of the parents of the previous generation found themselves.

“Wait a sec!” you might say after looking at the data, “You mean the millennial generation?” Yes, that’s right. The generation that grew up with more affluence, more technology, more information, constant entertainment, more opportunities, more financial security than any other previous generation?  Yes, that’s right. The generation that has grown up with more safety, more disease prevention, more health conscious, more choices about everything in general, more, more, more. How can this be?

Factors to Consider

There is not one main culprit to blame in this situation, although many try to name one. No, it is a mixture of ingredients. Some of the major factors are:

•  The removal of free play from schools and the home

•  Over-protective, fear-based, micro-managing parenting styles

• The removal of a spiritual focus from the educational landscape (unless there is a natural disaster or an attack where innocent lives are lost, then we can and should pray – Huh?)

• The over-involvement of kids in activities with little “down” time

• Constant 24/7 information and entertainment

• Government mandated, outcome-based, test focused education that takes freedom from teachers to truly teach

I’m stopping myself here because the list could literally be a mile long. In general, young people of today are put in a double bind: Everything is scary, you must be safe and not suffer, I, your parent, will manufacture everything for you (play dates, friends, activities) BUT…We want you to be creative, confident, and stand out. Anyone who works with children in any capacity will tell you that this will not work. Overprotective, micro-managing parents rob their child the opportunity to fail, get hurt (yes, I said that – I’ll explain later), and learn from mistakes. However, the worst outcome is that the child emerges from adolescence with little or no sense of self. Basically, there is very little ability to trust in themselves and have confidence that they can overcome problems. The disastrous result of this is fragility, opening up the possibility for depression, anxiety, and the urge to quell the emotional and mental storms with alcohol and drugs. Our culture has worked hard to make everything comfortable and entertaining for children and in doing so made them intolerant of the things which can actually help them later in development. The thought of expecting a child to sit quietly and wait for a table at a restaurant or sit through a church service horrifies many parents. They must have entertainment! What if they feel uncomfortable? Horror of horrors. Get the IPad! Hurry!

See, the deal is, that which LIFE demands has not changed. You have to wait, stand in line, put up with unfair bosses and annoying co-workers. There’s people, products, organizations, governments, sports heroes, etc. that will disappoint you. There’s these things called bills which require consistent, intentional effort called work to be able to pay those bills. Sometimes work will be boring. Painfully boring. Dealing with pain is essential – sometimes emotional, often physical, and rarely is there a day that goes perfectly to plan. Being content, planning, and asking for help are essential to success in life. Much of life’s rewards go to those who can tolerate the pressures, stay committed, and solve problems by shifting expectations and making a new plan. In fact, there is a blueprint for parenting right there. Your parenting should be preparing your child for all of the above, not keeping them in a perfect snowglobe of a life and then expecting them to step out and handle it all at age 25.

While life is demanding, there are some simple rules that help us out and give rewards. Make good choices and good things happen. Learn to be patient, you are rewarded. Learn to live below your means, and usually you’ll have enough money. Find some good friends and you’ll feel like a king. Time management, balance, and learning to say “No” are likely to lead to contentment.

A Few Factors that Promote Successful Kids/Teens/Adults

I spend many hours a week with young people and young adults. One thing I’ve noticed about them and technology is that they aren’t using technology to waste time, like a lot of adults think. They are actually looking for answers. Answers to the questions that have plagued young people since the dawn of time. Who am I? What is my purpose? Who can I trust? Can I make it out there in the real world? The answers to these questions can only come with time and experience, but here’s a few factors that help young people find answers to these questions.

• Solitary, free play (“Down” time, to explore and create)

• Collaborative relationship based play (to build relationship and reflect value and worth)

• Balance (Activity, Rest, Play, Work, Relationships – our guidance and limits are necessary!)

• Freedom to make mistakes with a reassuring, restorative love from caregivers

• Congruence in Faith and Morals (Adult caregivers living out what they say they believe)

• Opportunities to experience failure and disappointment, even pain  

Neuroscience has consistently shown that play is vital for a healthy, developing brain. I’ve written much on play, I have witnessed it’s power both in my practice and personally. Playing helps solve problems, creates a sense of self, and opens channels of learning for later, more complex forms of information. From a neuro-relational perspective, playing with another person provides a partner in collaborative process, helps regulate brain activity and emotions, and provides a reflective process whereby a value of self is formed.

I recently talked with a grandmother who told me about her eight-year-old grandson. He showed her his Pokemon cards and while she didn’t really know anything about them, she examined each one while he told her all about them. Later that day, he told her, “Nana, I’ve got adults figured out.” “Oh really?” she replied. “Yes, they pretend like they are paying attention but they really aren’t. They are on their phones or texting. But Nana, you really listened to me today.” In play therapy, this is called Attunement and is one of the leading factors in promoting healing, growth, and a sense of self.

Perhaps the saddest thing in the data of the Blue Cross Blue Shield survey was the “deaths of despair” – deaths from alcohol, drugs, and suicide. If there is one reason why I do what I do, it is to battle the factors that lead to these “deaths of despair” and why I’ll never stop counseling, mentoring, and teaching the next generation of counselors to do the same. For those of you raising young children, there is much to learn here.

• Stay in relationship through intentional, collaborative play. It isn’t your job to entertain your child, but make a plan for regular, distraction-free time together.

• Let your child fail. Of course you’ll pick them up and help them through it, but don’t replace that broken or lost toy right away. Help them sit with emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger, remember that tolerating these is a must in real life.

• Let your child make mistakes and struggle. When they forget something they need for school, don’t bring it to them. Let them feel the weight of it and endure the consequences. Don’t yell or demean them about it, let the natural consequence do the work. Remind them of your love and watch them learn a valuable lesson.

• Don’t over-involve your child in activities. There’s no exact formula here, every situation is different. But pay attention to their levels of fatigue and interest.

• Be mindful of the importance of balance. Learning limits is an important part of life.

• Create limits and stick to them. Life demands that we know how to balance and limit ourselves.

• Model everything through your actions. Integrity, balance, time management, having fun, apologize when you need to, work, etc.  

There is no “perfect” parent, and no “perfect” generation that did everything right. We are people, and people are messy. But within the mess lies the heart, body, mind, and soul and those combined can do powerful things. Helping our child love the mess that they are and helping them know that they can do great things is a big part of our job as parents. While cooking a giant bowl of fried rice recently I was mindful of the messiness of it – but when it all came together, some kind of magic happened and there was a delicious dinner. We bring our mess, organized as best we can, combine it with our kid’s mess, and through relationship, the template of a masterpiece forms.   

Navigating the YouTube Landscape

YouTube. The very name can send shudders down a parent’s spine. That internet monster with endless tentacles that reaches for your children to devour their sense of reality and shape their social awareness. YouTube is yet another example of the culture coming into our homes and taking our children captive right under our noses. But let’s be honest, you actually like YouTube. Well, at least sometimes. Based on statistics you probably watched a video from YouTube today. I did. I hear about YouTube from parents a lot, and I’m often asked questions regarding if it is “okay” for their kid to watch videos on YouTube. That is why I’m writing this today.

I’m keenly aware of YouTube because it has become a favorite app of the many young people with whom I work on the Autism spectrum. Whatever the passion of the young person, there is a YouTube channel devoted to it. Young people are loyal to their favorite “YouTuber,” fiercely defending them against anyone who dares criticize the person, and many young people feel as though they have a relationship with their favorite YouTube “celebrity.” Many young people characterize being a “YouTuber” as a viable career, and before you laugh, you might be surprised if you check out the annual income of some of the most popular YouTube personalities. But what happens when a young person wants to watch YouTube for two, five, ten hours a day? “Is that healthy?” parents ask. Before I jump to an overall answer, let’s examine some of the pros and cons of this cultural technological juggernaut.

Pros

·         YouTube shares knowledge and important information. Can’t deny it, folks, there is some great stuff on YouTube. Topics from nature to world history abound, along with information regarding the junk your mother always told you which turns out to be false (Nope, a tooth will not dissolve in Coke overnight; Sugar does not make kids hyper).

·         YouTube allows ordinary, everyday people to share their passions and create an online classroom to teach others. I found out I could use a form of Superglue (gel form, without acetone) to attach orchids to tree bark and rocks. I also fixed our dryer, patched our roof, and replaced the headlights in both cars, not to mention a ton of other stuff simply because an honest person decided to make a short video to help someone else. And trust me, when you save yourself $300 by avoiding a service call, you are grateful that YouTube exists.

·         A way to catch up on things or relive memorable events. Remember that spine-tingling scene in…You get the idea. Want to watch it again? How about a hundred times? Whether it is a sports play, scene from a film, a musical performance, or a speech, there it is. Savvy parents can use YouTube to piece together a series of events to enhance their children’s sense of history, such as the civil rights movement or the “miracle on ice.” Do you believe in miracles? “Well, as a matter of fact I do, son. See, there was this hockey coach named Herb Brooks…”.   

·         A way for kids to get to know the world. Wanna see the lizard that walks on water? What is it really like to survive 24 hours in the Sahara? Wanna go to the deepest part of the ocean? Did you see the guy who sold everything to dig wells in Africa? Well, watch this. Have you noticed that young people of today value the experience of things over the simple facts? This is a good and bad thing, but at this point of our discussion, YouTube provides the good side of this urge to be there, see it with my own eyes, and do my own research.

Cons

·         YouTube puts adult content in the hands of anyone. I have parents tell me that their kid learned all the cuss words because of various YouTube videos that were supposed to be “kid-friendly.” Welcome to our world. I reassure them that they would have heard them eventually, but I get their point. Parents feel like they should at least be able to keep the culture at the front door, but when it seeps in there is a sense of violation and anger.

·         YouTube is addictive. For many young people, especially those on the Autism spectrum who tend to have the ability to hyper-focus, YouTube becomes a sort of drug that lulls the young person into a make-believe world. The feed just keeps on rolling and one video flows into another and it is easy to spend hours just sitting and watching.

·         Distortion of Reality. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Steph Curry never misses;” or “Lionel Messi always scores a goal on every kick.” I can’t really blame them, YouTube is one big highlight reel that can make anyone look invincible and perfect. I’ve heard from coaches that YouTube has killed the urge for kids to practice because the child doesn’t believe that athletes practice or train – they Just Do It. It isn’t just about sports. Kids can watch someone play guitar perfectly, build a masterpiece in MineCraft, or create the illusion that baking a cake is effortless. The result? Surprisingly, instead of being inspired to go “do” whatever it is they’ve seen, kids and teens often feel depressed or get a sense of despair. “Why should I do it, it has already been done? And besides, I’ll never be able to make it as good as that guy.”

·         YouTube allows ordinary, everyday people to share their passions and create an online classroom to teach others. Recognize this from the pro list? Sadly, it is a con as well. Meanies, bullies, perverts, liars, “trolls” (ask your kid) all have somewhat free reign in the mega-sphere of YouTube. Violence, tragedy, and “shocking video” (that’s your local news too, by the way) are all available which desensitize a young person’s sense of compassion and limit their perspective. The danger is that young people don’t have the capacity to put information in perspective, which makes it easy for them to become overwhelmed which often results in the young person dismissing the reality of what they are seeing and cause them to put up a “wall” of indifference. Over time, this results in a lack of empathy and for some young people creates an urge to lash out at others in a similarly aggressive manner.

“Okay, so what am I supposed to do as a parent?”

I was raised in a culture that simply sought to destroy or remove any outside cultural influence. By banning movies, getting rid of a television set, not allowing any music but classical or a rousing rendition of “Nearer My God to Thee” by George Beverly Shea, my parents and others like them believed that encircling children with the wagons of denial and forced separation would magically protect us from the evils of “the world.” With lots of rules, do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts), my friends and I lived in a real-life “bubble.” I have no bitterness towards my parents because they did what they thought was best and honestly, in a way, it was wonderful. We played games every night after dinner and went on bike rides. I developed a love of reading, writing, and Chopin’s Etudes. My times with my youth group at church and being at summer camp are some of my most cherished memories. The downside was that when I was forced to meet the demands of the “real world,” I was overwhelmed. Many of my friends were sucked in due to being denied everything as children, thus, they wanted everything – sometimes all at once. I was naïve and believed everything I saw and was told. I lacked discernment, especially in the dating and marriage department.

I don’t believe that we can ever stop the culture from reaching for our kids, but we can teach our kids and equip them to think and have discernment, while we provide limits. We can limit what comes into our homes. However, the answer isn’t to get rid of technology in your home, because the truth is that your kid will simply watch whatever when he’s with his friends and your denial will create a hunger for what he or she can’t have. The answer lies in Balance and Limits. Look at the pro list above. Pretty good stuff, right? Check your listings on your TV. Some pros and cons right? How about what is on the news right now. Pros and cons, correct? You get the idea. Nearly everything that our children come in contact with in this culture has potential positive and potential negatives. Do you know the one constant in whether or not young people become swallowed by the culture? That’s right: The parent. Parents who provide a balanced view and who create limits regarding what is viewed and for how long and watch what their children watch (relationship, sound familiar?) tend to keep children and adolescents balanced and prepared to face a topsy-turvy world. The parents adopt the role of a teacher and in essence, the parent is the filter of the information that flows to the child, but does so in a way that fosters relationship and thinking.

Don’t fear YouTube. Use it. Be a teacher. Build relationship. Find out what makes your kid tick. Laugh at the Asian zookeeper trying to keep the Panda cubs out of her leaf basket, and watch as your kids sit mesmerized when they see the “I Have a Dream Speech” by Dr. King. Let your grandkids know where you were as you show them Walter Cronkite shedding tears as he announces JFK’s death on live TV. Show them the world, and explain the greatness of visionaries. Set limits, use it as a reward to instill a work ethic, and carefully monitor who and what your kids are watching. For example, while you may like your 8-year-old kid to use headphones because you can’t stand the voice of the Game Grumps, think again. You need to hear what is going on and what is coming across the screen. Wise parents of young children only allow YouTube time when they the parent is present and within hearing distance. Parents of teens, you need to connect! Check in, build relationship, and keep an open door of sharing and dialogue. Young people of today are sharp and hunger for truth and experience. But they are often lacking in the discernment area. Parents are usually mistaken in believing that most schools of today teach young people to think – not so. That is your job! Use YouTube as a way to guide and point out discrepancies between what is real and show how the real world works. Point out and share dialogue with your teen regarding what the guy on YouTube basically made up during his rant about how he is going to “move to Europe if Donald Trump or Hillary is elected.” Sure you will, okay.

Culture and technology will never stop merging to form a formidable presence in the lives of our young people. But don’t see it as a bad thing. Later this evening I’m going to lecture to my class through the use of online technology to students scattered all over the United States, they can see me and I can see them – Amazing! Without technology, my ability to reach them would be limited, as would the information that I need to give them. We must be willing to stretch ourselves and learn and grow, and above all, connect with our kids in relationship as we guide and prepare them for life in the “real world.” Set limits, but also provide balance through teaching and relationship. Oh, and check out my YouTube channel…just kidding!  

Relationship Building: An Alternative to Consequences and Punishment

I work with many parents who have “little people:” Children that fall into the 2-5 age range when the urge for independence and assertiveness create all sorts of behavioral problems. This is also the time when separation anxiety appears and children become clingy and controlling. The urge for independence creates power struggles between child and parent and parents often hear the word “No!” coming from their child and see folded arms and tantrum-like behavior. Parents are often shocked by this and feel fear and the need to “nip it in the bud” and deliver harsh consequences in order to prevent the behavior from happening again. The parents are often surprised to see the behavior raise its ugly head again just a little while later. Our culture has labeled this time as the “terrible two’s” and new parents will often live with dread as they look upon their precious infant and think that in just a few years this precious baby will sprout wings and scales and spew fire killing us all. I hate this. The real reason behind society’s view of the “terrible two’s” is the idea that I, the parent, should be able to have my life the way I want it and my kids just better get with the program or else they are “bad” and “stupid.” Many parents will use spanking repeatedly, thinking that this will extinguish defiant behavior during these years, and most who’ve used it sheepishly admit to me that it doesn’t work.

Now, I am not a counselor who thinks that a child should not receive consequences, in fact, quite the opposite. I am a teacher of consequences but the consequences that I teach are those that are natural consequences (“Those who refuse to pick up their toys will lose the privilege of playing with them” “When you scream at me I can’t hear what you’re saying” “Those that want to play sports will have their homework done and get good grades”) The consequences that I teach preserve and create relationship; these consequences teach the child something and help build character and responsibility. Spanking says, “If I catch you you’re going to get it!” Spanking is usually done out of the parent’s fear and anger and I always ask parents “If spanking worked, why do you have to do it again and again?” I don’t want to get into a dissertation about spanking, it is a topic for another time. However, I want to help parents understand what is going on during this “defiant” stage and help you see an alternative for coming up with consequences for defiance.

First, the brain is doing some major changing during the ages of 2 – 5. Cognitive awareness increases, emotional maturity expands, and the process of being able to reason, think, and make decisions develops. The result: The child can do more for herself, think better, converse about all sorts of new things, and understand more of how the world works. The downside: FEAR. The child begins to see that things die, people move away, babies are born which takes away time from ME, Mom might forget me, etc. You get the idea. Children instinctively know that to be connected to caregivers is the number one way to survive, but they also are beginning the journey of independence which will take them into adulthood. The child’s behavior that appears to be negative is usually a way to get Mom or Dad’s attention. I spoke with a parent last week whose four-year-old began waking up in the middle of the night and asking for water, a story, even a Band-Aid for a “boo-boo.” I helped Mom see that the real issue was fear, and that what her child wanted was reassurance and comfort because at her stage in development the increase cognitive awareness had made the child realize that she could be forgotten or abandoned. The mom and I created a plan for the mom to build relationship with her daughter for 10 – 15 minutes each evening, instead of punishing the “clingy” behavior. The mom let me know a few days later that the negative behavior was gone and she was grateful. The girl was sleeping through the night again. The mom told me that she joined her daughter in play by simply sitting on the floor while her daughter played around her and the mom let her daughter join her in some new chores that satisfied the daughter’s desire to help and be in control. The mom was very grateful and she realized that her efforts to punish the negative behavior had only made things worse.

Second, when you see your child’s new “defiant” behavior don’t be shocked. Think “Aha, this is my child growing to a new level.” Welcome it, and celebrate it. How do you do that? Make time for relationship and find outlets for the new energy. Some examples are:

-New Chores (washing dishes, helping with the yard, washing the car, unloading groceries, etc.)

-New Challenges (learning to ride a bike, introduce an instrument, climbing, building, painting, etc.)

-New Cognitive Awareness (going on nature walks to notice new bugs, animals, and plants; reading higher level of books together, going to museums, libraries, etc.)

-New Play (learning a new sport, practicing a new skill like a video game or pretend play with puppets, LEGO figures, Dolls, etc.)

Each of these has one common component: RELATIONSHIP. Each gives us a chance to teach, be taught by our child, and both learn through spending time together. Shoot for 10-15 minutes a day, and a bit longer on weekends or when there is more “down” time. I often tell parents that they are great “managers” but lousy companions in relationship. Kids at the ages of transition, regardless of the age, need relationship with parents or caregivers to remain emotionally stable. For example, many teens are “bored” and hibernate because the parent has given up on attempting to build relationship because they are waiting for the parent to come to him. The teen is really wishing for the parent to notice them or create a space for time and relationship but they won’t put it into words. Defiant behavior at the teen stage is a clear indication of a need for new chores, responsibility, getting a job, and also relationship with the parent.

Remember to examine your child’s defiance and I hope you see it in a new way. Outright disrespect needs consequences and you as a parent should have a “policy and procedure” manual to deal with it. However, don’t discount the need for relationship and that often, building relationship removes the need for consequences because the real reason for the kid’s behavior is a desire for reassurance, comfort, and connection. They are discouraged or feeling insecure, but they can’t put it into words. I hope this helps you as you move forward in your parenting journey!