Navigating the YouTube Landscape

YouTube. The very name can send shudders down a parent’s spine. That internet monster with endless tentacles that reaches for your children to devour their sense of reality and shape their social awareness. YouTube is yet another example of the culture coming into our homes and taking our children captive right under our noses. But let’s be honest, you actually like YouTube. Well, at least sometimes. Based on statistics you probably watched a video from YouTube today. I did. I hear about YouTube from parents a lot, and I’m often asked questions regarding if it is “okay” for their kid to watch videos on YouTube. That is why I’m writing this today.

I’m keenly aware of YouTube because it has become a favorite app of the many young people with whom I work on the Autism spectrum. Whatever the passion of the young person, there is a YouTube channel devoted to it. Young people are loyal to their favorite “YouTuber,” fiercely defending them against anyone who dares criticize the person, and many young people feel as though they have a relationship with their favorite YouTube “celebrity.” Many young people characterize being a “YouTuber” as a viable career, and before you laugh, you might be surprised if you check out the annual income of some of the most popular YouTube personalities. But what happens when a young person wants to watch YouTube for two, five, ten hours a day? “Is that healthy?” parents ask. Before I jump to an overall answer, let’s examine some of the pros and cons of this cultural technological juggernaut.

Pros

·         YouTube shares knowledge and important information. Can’t deny it, folks, there is some great stuff on YouTube. Topics from nature to world history abound, along with information regarding the junk your mother always told you which turns out to be false (Nope, a tooth will not dissolve in Coke overnight; Sugar does not make kids hyper).

·         YouTube allows ordinary, everyday people to share their passions and create an online classroom to teach others. I found out I could use a form of Superglue (gel form, without acetone) to attach orchids to tree bark and rocks. I also fixed our dryer, patched our roof, and replaced the headlights in both cars, not to mention a ton of other stuff simply because an honest person decided to make a short video to help someone else. And trust me, when you save yourself $300 by avoiding a service call, you are grateful that YouTube exists.

·         A way to catch up on things or relive memorable events. Remember that spine-tingling scene in…You get the idea. Want to watch it again? How about a hundred times? Whether it is a sports play, scene from a film, a musical performance, or a speech, there it is. Savvy parents can use YouTube to piece together a series of events to enhance their children’s sense of history, such as the civil rights movement or the “miracle on ice.” Do you believe in miracles? “Well, as a matter of fact I do, son. See, there was this hockey coach named Herb Brooks…”.   

·         A way for kids to get to know the world. Wanna see the lizard that walks on water? What is it really like to survive 24 hours in the Sahara? Wanna go to the deepest part of the ocean? Did you see the guy who sold everything to dig wells in Africa? Well, watch this. Have you noticed that young people of today value the experience of things over the simple facts? This is a good and bad thing, but at this point of our discussion, YouTube provides the good side of this urge to be there, see it with my own eyes, and do my own research.

Cons

·         YouTube puts adult content in the hands of anyone. I have parents tell me that their kid learned all the cuss words because of various YouTube videos that were supposed to be “kid-friendly.” Welcome to our world. I reassure them that they would have heard them eventually, but I get their point. Parents feel like they should at least be able to keep the culture at the front door, but when it seeps in there is a sense of violation and anger.

·         YouTube is addictive. For many young people, especially those on the Autism spectrum who tend to have the ability to hyper-focus, YouTube becomes a sort of drug that lulls the young person into a make-believe world. The feed just keeps on rolling and one video flows into another and it is easy to spend hours just sitting and watching.

·         Distortion of Reality. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Steph Curry never misses;” or “Lionel Messi always scores a goal on every kick.” I can’t really blame them, YouTube is one big highlight reel that can make anyone look invincible and perfect. I’ve heard from coaches that YouTube has killed the urge for kids to practice because the child doesn’t believe that athletes practice or train – they Just Do It. It isn’t just about sports. Kids can watch someone play guitar perfectly, build a masterpiece in MineCraft, or create the illusion that baking a cake is effortless. The result? Surprisingly, instead of being inspired to go “do” whatever it is they’ve seen, kids and teens often feel depressed or get a sense of despair. “Why should I do it, it has already been done? And besides, I’ll never be able to make it as good as that guy.”

·         YouTube allows ordinary, everyday people to share their passions and create an online classroom to teach others. Recognize this from the pro list? Sadly, it is a con as well. Meanies, bullies, perverts, liars, “trolls” (ask your kid) all have somewhat free reign in the mega-sphere of YouTube. Violence, tragedy, and “shocking video” (that’s your local news too, by the way) are all available which desensitize a young person’s sense of compassion and limit their perspective. The danger is that young people don’t have the capacity to put information in perspective, which makes it easy for them to become overwhelmed which often results in the young person dismissing the reality of what they are seeing and cause them to put up a “wall” of indifference. Over time, this results in a lack of empathy and for some young people creates an urge to lash out at others in a similarly aggressive manner.

“Okay, so what am I supposed to do as a parent?”

I was raised in a culture that simply sought to destroy or remove any outside cultural influence. By banning movies, getting rid of a television set, not allowing any music but classical or a rousing rendition of “Nearer My God to Thee” by George Beverly Shea, my parents and others like them believed that encircling children with the wagons of denial and forced separation would magically protect us from the evils of “the world.” With lots of rules, do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts), my friends and I lived in a real-life “bubble.” I have no bitterness towards my parents because they did what they thought was best and honestly, in a way, it was wonderful. We played games every night after dinner and went on bike rides. I developed a love of reading, writing, and Chopin’s Etudes. My times with my youth group at church and being at summer camp are some of my most cherished memories. The downside was that when I was forced to meet the demands of the “real world,” I was overwhelmed. Many of my friends were sucked in due to being denied everything as children, thus, they wanted everything – sometimes all at once. I was naïve and believed everything I saw and was told. I lacked discernment, especially in the dating and marriage department.

I don’t believe that we can ever stop the culture from reaching for our kids, but we can teach our kids and equip them to think and have discernment, while we provide limits. We can limit what comes into our homes. However, the answer isn’t to get rid of technology in your home, because the truth is that your kid will simply watch whatever when he’s with his friends and your denial will create a hunger for what he or she can’t have. The answer lies in Balance and Limits. Look at the pro list above. Pretty good stuff, right? Check your listings on your TV. Some pros and cons right? How about what is on the news right now. Pros and cons, correct? You get the idea. Nearly everything that our children come in contact with in this culture has potential positive and potential negatives. Do you know the one constant in whether or not young people become swallowed by the culture? That’s right: The parent. Parents who provide a balanced view and who create limits regarding what is viewed and for how long and watch what their children watch (relationship, sound familiar?) tend to keep children and adolescents balanced and prepared to face a topsy-turvy world. The parents adopt the role of a teacher and in essence, the parent is the filter of the information that flows to the child, but does so in a way that fosters relationship and thinking.

Don’t fear YouTube. Use it. Be a teacher. Build relationship. Find out what makes your kid tick. Laugh at the Asian zookeeper trying to keep the Panda cubs out of her leaf basket, and watch as your kids sit mesmerized when they see the “I Have a Dream Speech” by Dr. King. Let your grandkids know where you were as you show them Walter Cronkite shedding tears as he announces JFK’s death on live TV. Show them the world, and explain the greatness of visionaries. Set limits, use it as a reward to instill a work ethic, and carefully monitor who and what your kids are watching. For example, while you may like your 8-year-old kid to use headphones because you can’t stand the voice of the Game Grumps, think again. You need to hear what is going on and what is coming across the screen. Wise parents of young children only allow YouTube time when they the parent is present and within hearing distance. Parents of teens, you need to connect! Check in, build relationship, and keep an open door of sharing and dialogue. Young people of today are sharp and hunger for truth and experience. But they are often lacking in the discernment area. Parents are usually mistaken in believing that most schools of today teach young people to think – not so. That is your job! Use YouTube as a way to guide and point out discrepancies between what is real and show how the real world works. Point out and share dialogue with your teen regarding what the guy on YouTube basically made up during his rant about how he is going to “move to Europe if Donald Trump or Hillary is elected.” Sure you will, okay.

Culture and technology will never stop merging to form a formidable presence in the lives of our young people. But don’t see it as a bad thing. Later this evening I’m going to lecture to my class through the use of online technology to students scattered all over the United States, they can see me and I can see them – Amazing! Without technology, my ability to reach them would be limited, as would the information that I need to give them. We must be willing to stretch ourselves and learn and grow, and above all, connect with our kids in relationship as we guide and prepare them for life in the “real world.” Set limits, but also provide balance through teaching and relationship. Oh, and check out my YouTube channel…just kidding!  

Pathways to Better Communication...

Ever heard this before?

“How was your day?”

“Good.”

“What did you learn?”

“Nothing.”

“Got any homework?”

“A little.”

“Wanna talk about anything?”

“Nope, I’m good.”

I call this a “communication pit.” To some, this is a daily routine. Nearly every parent I talk to wants to communicate better with their kids, and nearly every kid and teen I talk to wants their parents to listen. So what are we missing?

The most common issue is timing. When we want our kids to talk to us, they aren’t ready, and when they want to talk to us, we’re not ready. Thus, we miss each other and then later wonder what happened. I have some ideas about improving communication and staying out of “The Pit.”

Shatter the Old Routine: For those of you who say the same things at the same times every day to your kids, it’s time to switch things up. One way to do this is to use open-ended questions (“Tell me what happened at lunch today.”) Closed questions make kids feel interrogated or that they are in trouble. Another is to not accept one word responses (“Nuthin’”) or shoulder shrugs. Demand full sentenced, articulate responses – and demand the same out of yourself. Another way is to tell your kids about your day. I find it interesting that parents expect kids to share all about their day but the parents never tell anything about their day. It has to go both ways.

Create “Space” for Communication to Occur: Zinging questions from the driver seat in the car back to the 3rd row of the SUV or family van doesn’t work very well. Good communication happens when there is a face-to-face or an equal body position. Eliminate distractions such as phones, TV, or outside influences. Tell your young person, “Hey, later on let’s take 15 minutes and talk about today. How’s 7:30 sound?” This creates expectations and sends the message that talking with them is important. Once you’re in position, listen and don’t interrupt or make snap judgments. For example, when your 15 year old daughter is telling you about how disappointed she was when her friend wore a skimpy outfit to the football game, don’t jump in with a comment or judgment (“I’m tellin’ you, if she was MY kid I’d really tan her hide!”). Your daughter has told you that she’s already disappointed in her friend; the lesson is learned and the point is made so shut your mouth. One interesting factor in getting kids talking is where you, the adult, decide to sit. I’m amazed when I sit on the floor while a kid sits on the couch how comfortable they are talking to me. Remember: What works with one kid may not work for another. Be willing to be flexible and don’t get discouraged.

Use Toys and Art to Talk about Tough Topics: Situations like loss and rejection bring about emotions like anger, fear, sadness, and frustration. These are hard for young people to put into words. However, when you grab two LEGO mini-figures to play out the fight that your son had with a friend at PE, or you grab some paper and start sketching with your daughter while you’re listening to some of her favorite music, communication will usually start to flow. A blob of clay or Play-Doh becomes the oil that gets the communication gears going. The use of these tools creates a safe distance for the young person to look at the problem and examine their thoughts and feelings and then be able to talk about them. This is why play is so powerful: It takes the real situation that’s awful and makes it not so scary.

One thing to remember is that if you haven’t done a good job at connecting with your kid they are going to look at you like you’re crazy when you start trying. This is because they want to know that you are for real, because they aren’t going to buy in if it’s just going to be another disappointment. Be consistent, and don’t give up. Deep down, you are the one person that your young person is dying to receive attention from, even if they act like it’s not true.  

Every Day is a New Day, Every Moment a Fresh Start

“Today is a new day…This moment is a fresh start…”

I love the idea of those phrases. Most of the people that I’ve met over the past 20 years battling depression have a hard time believing these phrases. People tend to keep a record of their wrongs, their mess-ups, shortcomings…but that little phrase can release it all. I use it with kids often in the office. Just last week, I was moved to tears while a young man wept in my office over a poor choice. We discussed self-forgiveness. He discovered that you can’t forgive yourself until you find compassion for yourself.

Why do real people struggle with forgiving themselves for shortcomings? Personality is one factor: Some people are just hard on themselves, demanding perfection in every small thing. Sometimes it is something they have learned – mom or dad drilled into them that there is no room for mess-ups and that there is no way to right something once it has gone wrong. Children in these environments end pointing the finger at themselves and believing that they could have made things better.

Many of the young people I work with are perfectionists: It’s the way they make sense of a chaotic environment. They think, “If I’m perfect, and all is in order, then I’ll be safe.” But just like a cook who is trying to handle too many pots and dishes, things can get out of hand quickly. Then they are left with sadness and fear which is a terrible combination.

Are you a “parent perfectionist?” If so, you probably beat yourself up at the end of day reviewing all your failures and shortcomings with your kids. Thinking of where you snapped, that time that you angrily kicked a shoe out of the way or grabbed the whatever… “Oh, here, let me do it!” I come across these a lot and my heart goes out to them. I work hard to give them encouragement and help them learn to let things go. Many of the parents with whom I work are dealing with immensely difficult developmental problems that their kids have. This brings many frustrations and challenges that many of us would buckle under in less than an hour, me included.

The danger of not being able to forgive ourselves and see each day, each moment, as a new opportunity is that we carry the tally sheet with us into the next situation and relationship is lost. If I don’t feel worthy, there is no way that I can join my partner, my child, or neighbor in deep sustained relationship. My instinct will be to run and stay away. Or, I end up hurting others because of how much I hate myself.

What can we do about this as parents of young people who desperately need us to remain in relationship with them?

First, model the great act of accepting responsibility and making amends if you have done something to hurt your child. There is nothing greater than a parent who owns their behavior and then restores relationship. It shows the child humility and the process that love is not lost. It shows that despite human emotions which caused some fog, there is a light that blasts through it and brings love back into the picture.

Second, be mindful of what you are feeling and thinking in the present moment with your kids. When you feel anger or frustration creeping up, look for the cause then take a step back with a deep breath and regroup. Think forward – instead of being reactive.

Third, release your shortcomings through purposeful and intentional behavior that refuses to frame you as a failure or a mess-up as a parent. This is done by pushing through the feelings and going to your child or adolescent to join in relationship, even if it is plunking down next to them while they are playing a game. Invite them into your space too. Go on a walk, throw a ball, go for a drive. Don’t let a past mistake define what you choose to do in this moment. This moment is new – the past is gone.

If I define who I am by what I’ve done, then I’m a prisoner to the past. If I define who I am by who I am in this moment, I am free to choose how I will act and believe in this moment, which propels me into the future as a better, wiser person.