Pathways to Better Communication...

Ever heard this before?

“How was your day?”

“Good.”

“What did you learn?”

“Nothing.”

“Got any homework?”

“A little.”

“Wanna talk about anything?”

“Nope, I’m good.”

I call this a “communication pit.” To some, this is a daily routine. Nearly every parent I talk to wants to communicate better with their kids, and nearly every kid and teen I talk to wants their parents to listen. So what are we missing?

The most common issue is timing. When we want our kids to talk to us, they aren’t ready, and when they want to talk to us, we’re not ready. Thus, we miss each other and then later wonder what happened. I have some ideas about improving communication and staying out of “The Pit.”

Shatter the Old Routine: For those of you who say the same things at the same times every day to your kids, it’s time to switch things up. One way to do this is to use open-ended questions (“Tell me what happened at lunch today.”) Closed questions make kids feel interrogated or that they are in trouble. Another is to not accept one word responses (“Nuthin’”) or shoulder shrugs. Demand full sentenced, articulate responses – and demand the same out of yourself. Another way is to tell your kids about your day. I find it interesting that parents expect kids to share all about their day but the parents never tell anything about their day. It has to go both ways.

Create “Space” for Communication to Occur: Zinging questions from the driver seat in the car back to the 3rd row of the SUV or family van doesn’t work very well. Good communication happens when there is a face-to-face or an equal body position. Eliminate distractions such as phones, TV, or outside influences. Tell your young person, “Hey, later on let’s take 15 minutes and talk about today. How’s 7:30 sound?” This creates expectations and sends the message that talking with them is important. Once you’re in position, listen and don’t interrupt or make snap judgments. For example, when your 15 year old daughter is telling you about how disappointed she was when her friend wore a skimpy outfit to the football game, don’t jump in with a comment or judgment (“I’m tellin’ you, if she was MY kid I’d really tan her hide!”). Your daughter has told you that she’s already disappointed in her friend; the lesson is learned and the point is made so shut your mouth. One interesting factor in getting kids talking is where you, the adult, decide to sit. I’m amazed when I sit on the floor while a kid sits on the couch how comfortable they are talking to me. Remember: What works with one kid may not work for another. Be willing to be flexible and don’t get discouraged.

Use Toys and Art to Talk about Tough Topics: Situations like loss and rejection bring about emotions like anger, fear, sadness, and frustration. These are hard for young people to put into words. However, when you grab two LEGO mini-figures to play out the fight that your son had with a friend at PE, or you grab some paper and start sketching with your daughter while you’re listening to some of her favorite music, communication will usually start to flow. A blob of clay or Play-Doh becomes the oil that gets the communication gears going. The use of these tools creates a safe distance for the young person to look at the problem and examine their thoughts and feelings and then be able to talk about them. This is why play is so powerful: It takes the real situation that’s awful and makes it not so scary.

One thing to remember is that if you haven’t done a good job at connecting with your kid they are going to look at you like you’re crazy when you start trying. This is because they want to know that you are for real, because they aren’t going to buy in if it’s just going to be another disappointment. Be consistent, and don’t give up. Deep down, you are the one person that your young person is dying to receive attention from, even if they act like it’s not true.  

Every Day is a New Day, Every Moment a Fresh Start

“Today is a new day…This moment is a fresh start…”

I love the idea of those phrases. Most of the people that I’ve met over the past 20 years battling depression have a hard time believing these phrases. People tend to keep a record of their wrongs, their mess-ups, shortcomings…but that little phrase can release it all. I use it with kids often in the office. Just last week, I was moved to tears while a young man wept in my office over a poor choice. We discussed self-forgiveness. He discovered that you can’t forgive yourself until you find compassion for yourself.

Why do real people struggle with forgiving themselves for shortcomings? Personality is one factor: Some people are just hard on themselves, demanding perfection in every small thing. Sometimes it is something they have learned – mom or dad drilled into them that there is no room for mess-ups and that there is no way to right something once it has gone wrong. Children in these environments end pointing the finger at themselves and believing that they could have made things better.

Many of the young people I work with are perfectionists: It’s the way they make sense of a chaotic environment. They think, “If I’m perfect, and all is in order, then I’ll be safe.” But just like a cook who is trying to handle too many pots and dishes, things can get out of hand quickly. Then they are left with sadness and fear which is a terrible combination.

Are you a “parent perfectionist?” If so, you probably beat yourself up at the end of day reviewing all your failures and shortcomings with your kids. Thinking of where you snapped, that time that you angrily kicked a shoe out of the way or grabbed the whatever… “Oh, here, let me do it!” I come across these a lot and my heart goes out to them. I work hard to give them encouragement and help them learn to let things go. Many of the parents with whom I work are dealing with immensely difficult developmental problems that their kids have. This brings many frustrations and challenges that many of us would buckle under in less than an hour, me included.

The danger of not being able to forgive ourselves and see each day, each moment, as a new opportunity is that we carry the tally sheet with us into the next situation and relationship is lost. If I don’t feel worthy, there is no way that I can join my partner, my child, or neighbor in deep sustained relationship. My instinct will be to run and stay away. Or, I end up hurting others because of how much I hate myself.

What can we do about this as parents of young people who desperately need us to remain in relationship with them?

First, model the great act of accepting responsibility and making amends if you have done something to hurt your child. There is nothing greater than a parent who owns their behavior and then restores relationship. It shows the child humility and the process that love is not lost. It shows that despite human emotions which caused some fog, there is a light that blasts through it and brings love back into the picture.

Second, be mindful of what you are feeling and thinking in the present moment with your kids. When you feel anger or frustration creeping up, look for the cause then take a step back with a deep breath and regroup. Think forward – instead of being reactive.

Third, release your shortcomings through purposeful and intentional behavior that refuses to frame you as a failure or a mess-up as a parent. This is done by pushing through the feelings and going to your child or adolescent to join in relationship, even if it is plunking down next to them while they are playing a game. Invite them into your space too. Go on a walk, throw a ball, go for a drive. Don’t let a past mistake define what you choose to do in this moment. This moment is new – the past is gone.

If I define who I am by what I’ve done, then I’m a prisoner to the past. If I define who I am by who I am in this moment, I am free to choose how I will act and believe in this moment, which propels me into the future as a better, wiser person.