“What is co-regulation?” you may ask. Co-regulation is a neuro-relational phenomenon that occurs when two or more brains are in synchronous connection. Basically, the brains are in tune with one another. This attunement brings a sense of connection which translates into safety. Our brains consistently assess our environment for safety, and our senses are used to evaluate the appearance and behavior of others. Once the sense of safety is identified, there is a myriad of reactions that bring our level of arousal to match that of those around us. Here are some examples of co-regulation.
Co-Regulation Creates Energy
As you can see, the pulsing energy evident in this crowd demonstrates the power of connectedness through a medium. Metallica, made up of four musicians acting as one, translates their mindset through music which then is received by the crowd, which send their energy back to the band. The crowd appears as one giant living thing, and it is easy to forget that it is made of individual parts.
Co-Regulation Creates Symmetry
Michael Jordan was getting pounded as teams figured that since there was no way to stop him defensively, that they would resort to physically beating him down. He needed his teammates to step up to both take the heat off him as a scorer, but also to get tougher and fight back against the onslaught. Michael’s battles against the New York Knicks during his career are stuff of legend. Every great leader creates symmetry of their greatness in those around them, and in this case Michael’s teammates responded and by the end of this series they all carried a swagger very similar to their great leader.
Co-Regulation is a Powerful Change Agent
One of the most famous gatherings in recent history, led by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. This video shows the power of a “dream” put into action. The people here are driven by a single mindset – equality and freedom – and our nation was swept into a new era due to the consistency and persistency of one man, translating his dream to others, who then carried this energy to the rest of the world.
Co-Regulation and Parenting
“How does this relate to parenting?” you may ask. Children are often in varying emotional states due to developmental pressures and lack of brain development. Children and teens with special needs are particularly vulnerable to shifting emotional states. For example, young people on the autism spectrum have parts of their brain in certain stages of fight/flight/freeze most of the time, and for these young people in particular, when they are stressed they don’t have access to the parts of the brain that allow them to self-regulate. They look for outside sources to help them, and of those are the parents or caregivers around them. When the parent is able to stay in a calm, grounded state, this form of presence transfers to those around us, including our children. The child’s brain is seeking safety, and although there can be other factors which impede this process, part of the child’s brain is wired to respond to the parent’s state of being. Bonnie Badenoch, drawing from the work of Stephen Porges, Jaak Panksepp, and Dan Siegel (The Bird-McHale-Parish of the neuroscience world) states, “Two people can co-regulate each other, even in stressful situations…neural pathways govern eye gaze, prosody of the voice, ability to listen, and facial expression – in short, many of the nonverbal ways we invite connection with one another. A calmly beating heart and relaxed yet engaged animate face signals our readiness to engage. This calm, safe state rests at the foundation of all interpersonal connectedness (Badenoch & Bogdan, 2012, pp. 6-7).
To keep it simple, if you the parent present as a calm, engaged, interested person who is emotionally regulated, it will translate into your child becoming a similar version of you. It isn’t a magic pill, but through presenting a predictable and safe emotional space, a parent maximizes the power of their words and presence that says to the young person “I’m here” and “I’m safe.” In my experience, most of the problems I see with individuals and families is that reactivity leads to chaos and conflict. Our children’s emotional states can trigger us, and once that happens, we no longer appear safe or trustworthy. However, the benefit of co-regulation as the parent is calm and portrays a safe presence is that the child not only joins that space, but trust is formed and the child’s brain can continue growing and developing, which allows the child to stay curious and learn as well as accepting themselves as they are. Also, the longer a child’s brain stays in that space it becomes the normal state of being – very important for our kiddos who battle neurodevelopmental challenges.
Not Many Parenting Resources Talk About How Parents Can Stay Calm
Little if any guidance is given to parents regarding self-regulating their emotional state. Most parenting books are a waste of time and money and usually leave parents feeling guilty and ashamed because the books often mandate a set of rules and complicated steps that seem unrealistic. Most parents instinctively know that play and connection is powerful, remembering the days when their children were toddlers and were so easily soothed. But as the child grows and the parents become busier, the simplicity of this stage of parenting is lost. Our culture does not value playtime, and by the time a child is eight or nine, play is seen as something that is meaningless. Our brains need to be curious to learn, and when our brains are at rest and curious, we also find safety and our hearts become open; open to loving ourselves and others. No wonder in our world today there seems to be so many unhappy people.
Co-Regulation has a dark side, meaning that negative reactivity is possible when a person or persons is agitated and delivering a sense of chaos and emotional dysregulation to others. The angry mob, the sarcastic/demeaning spouse, the whining, complaining parent can affect the brain state of those around them. I observe that anxious parents often have anxious children, and complaining parents often have children that complain. Therefore, it is important for parents to work on learning to self-regulate as a pathway to better connection and relationship with their children.
How to Be Self-Regulating
Practice being in the mindset of “Right Here, Right Now.” This mindfulness helps push away the “stuff” that none of us can control. The “What If” of bills, disasters, and expectations of others steals our energy for this moment, which in truth is the only place we exist.
·Practice breathing as you try to be mindful of the moment. Here is a nice video that demonstrates a simple breathing technique. And it’s used by the Navy Seals which also makes it cool for us guys!
Learn to be non-reactive to your child/teenager. Notice their patterns of both positive and negative behavior. Usually, when they are defiant there is usually something they are trying to avoid, and usually fear is at the root of it. So yelling, being sarcastic, etc. only makes you the problem instead of joining them where they are and calmly asking them what they are afraid of. Instead, speak to the fear. “It sounds like you’re worried this chore is going to take a long time. Tell me what you’re thinking and feeling and help me understanding.”
Expect Reactivity. For some of you, adopting this new “self” will literally freak out your family members, kids, and spouses. Some kids will ramp things up in an effort to break you. Be the Wall of China and stand firm. Control your breath, use your parenting tools (see my previous post) and stay non-reactive. By doing this you hand the issue back to the child and they have a choice to either do what they need to do or experience a consequence (again, see my previous post). You are loving them through their emotional dysregulation but not joining them or throwing fuel on the fire.
Dealing with Uncomfortableness. For some of you, getting still and being in the moment feels like torture. People who have suffered trauma and abandonment don’t like being alone – it almost as if the self is untrustworthy they don’t like who they are. Perhaps is personality, perhaps there’s a lot of old “stuff” that emerges and you realize you don’t like who you are. Simply notice it and rather than judging it, try to be curious about what is there. If it’s too much, that’s a sign that you many need to talk it through with someone, such as a good friend or perhaps a counselor.
Practice Self-Acceptance and Self-Forgiveness. Think about it – if you don’t like who you are, it is going to be very hard to accept love or give love to those around you. That means loving your partner and children and also receiving love from them. I think this is why so many parents today are good at managing their children, but are afraid to spend time with them. As you practice self-regulation, practice accepting yourself as you are, in this moment. For those of you perfectionists, this isn’t easy, but try to turn off the judge voice and simply “just be.” Practice letting the past failures go, and the best way to do that is to see shortcoming as a pathway to learn. If there’s someone with whom you need to make amends, then do so. You’ll find that if you work this step, even if it is uncomfortable, you’ll gradually live more intentionally and less reactively, and trust me when I say that your children will notice this strength in you.
If we pay attention, rearing children can make us better in so many ways. My vision for people is that if they keep a playful, relational spirit with their children as they grow and develop, parents reach the years of the kids leaving home as better human beings. Rather than appearing feeble and broken, these parents are mindful, grounded, and ready for the new phases of life which provides yet another strong foundation for their children as they enter adulthood.
Badenoch, B. & Bogdan, N. (2012). Safety and connection: The neurobiology of play. In L. Gallo-Lopez and L. C. Rubin (Eds.), Play-Based Interventions for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders (pp. 3-18). New York, NY: Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.