A recent report taken from Blue Cross Blue Shield survey data reveals that members of the millennial generation (people born between 1981 and 1996 and who were 21 to 36 years old in 2017) have increased levels of mental and emotional suffering, higher rates of substance abuse, and higher rates of suicide when compared to members of the previous Generation X. The report (https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-gen-x-mortality-rate-mental-health-depression-2019-11) consists of survey responses, and while this is not technically sound research, it still casts a broad light and brings up interesting information. For parents raising young children, this information is extremely helpful to avoid the pitfalls in which many of the parents of the previous generation found themselves.
“Wait a sec!” you might say after looking at the data, “You mean the millennial generation?” Yes, that’s right. The generation that grew up with more affluence, more technology, more information, constant entertainment, more opportunities, more financial security than any other previous generation? Yes, that’s right. The generation that has grown up with more safety, more disease prevention, more health conscious, more choices about everything in general, more, more, more. How can this be?
Factors to Consider
There is not one main culprit to blame in this situation, although many try to name one. No, it is a mixture of ingredients. Some of the major factors are:
The removal of free play from schools and the home
Over-protective, fear-based, micro-managing parenting styles
The removal of a spiritual focus from the educational landscape (unless there is a natural disaster or an attack where innocent lives are lost, then we can and should pray – Huh?)
The over-involvement of kids in activities with little “down” time
Constant 24/7 information and entertainment
Government mandated, outcome-based, test focused education that takes freedom from teachers to truly teach
I’m stopping myself here because the list could literally be a mile long. In general, young people of today are put in a double bind: Everything is scary, you must be safe and not suffer, I, your parent, will manufacture everything for you (play dates, friends, activities) BUT…We want you to be creative, confident, and stand out. Anyone who works with children in any capacity will tell you that this will not work. Overprotective, micro-managing parents rob their child the opportunity to fail, get hurt (yes, I said that – I’ll explain later), and learn from mistakes. However, the worst outcome is that the child emerges from adolescence with little or no sense of self. Basically, there is very little ability to trust in themselves and have confidence that they can overcome problems. The disastrous result of this is fragility, opening up the possibility for depression, anxiety, and the urge to quell the emotional and mental storms with alcohol and drugs. Our culture has worked hard to make everything comfortable and entertaining for children and in doing so made them intolerant of the things which can actually help them later in development. The thought of expecting a child to sit quietly and wait for a table at a restaurant or sit through a church service horrifies many parents. They must have entertainment! What if they feel uncomfortable? Horror of horrors. Get the IPad! Hurry!
See, the deal is, that which LIFE demands has not changed. You have to wait, stand in line, put up with unfair bosses and annoying co-workers. There’s people, products, organizations, governments, sports heroes, etc. that will disappoint you. There’s these things called bills which require consistent, intentional effort called work to be able to pay those bills. Sometimes work will be boring. Painfully boring. Dealing with pain is essential – sometimes emotional, often physical, and rarely is there a day that goes perfectly to plan. Being content, planning, and asking for help are essential to success in life. Much of life’s rewards go to those who can tolerate the pressures, stay committed, and solve problems by shifting expectations and making a new plan. In fact, there is a blueprint for parenting right there. Your parenting should be preparing your child for all of the above, not keeping them in a perfect snowglobe of a life and then expecting them to step out and handle it all at age 25.
While life is demanding, there are some simple rules that help us out and give rewards. Make good choices and good things happen. Learn to be patient, you are rewarded. Learn to live below your means, and usually you’ll have enough money. Find some good friends and you’ll feel like a king. Time management, balance, and learning to say “No” are likely to lead to contentment.
A Few Factors that Promote Successful Kids/Teens/Adults
I spend many hours a week with young people and young adults. One thing I’ve noticed about them and technology is that they aren’t using technology to waste time, like a lot of adults think. They are actually looking for answers. Answers to the questions that have plagued young people since the dawn of time. Who am I? What is my purpose? Who can I trust? Can I make it out there in the real world? The answers to these questions can only come with time and experience, but here’s a few factors that help young people find answers to these questions.
Solitary, free play (“Down” time, to explore and create)
Collaborative relationship based play (to build relationship and reflect value and worth)
Balance (Activity, Rest, Play, Work, Relationships – our guidance and limits are necessary!)
Freedom to make mistakes with a reassuring, restorative love from caregivers
Congruence in Faith and Morals (Adult caregivers living out what they say they believe)
Opportunities to experience failure and disappointment, even pain
Neuroscience has consistently shown that play is vital for a healthy, developing brain. I’ve written much on play, I have witnessed it’s power both in my practice and personally. Playing helps solve problems, creates a sense of self, and opens channels of learning for later, more complex forms of information. From a neuro-relational perspective, playing with another person provides a partner in collaborative process, helps regulate brain activity and emotions, and provides a reflective process whereby a value of self is formed.
I recently talked with a grandmother who told me about her eight-year-old grandson. He showed her his Pokemon cards and while she didn’t really know anything about them, she examined each one while he told her all about them. Later that day, he told her, “Nana, I’ve got adults figured out.” “Oh really?” she replied. “Yes, they pretend like they are paying attention but they really aren’t. They are on their phones or texting. But Nana, you really listened to me today.” In play therapy, this is called Attunement and is one of the leading factors in promoting healing, growth, and a sense of self.
Perhaps the saddest thing in the data of the Blue Cross Blue Shield survey was the “deaths of despair” – deaths from alcohol, drugs, and suicide. If there is one reason why I do what I do, it is to battle the factors that lead to these “deaths of despair” and why I’ll never stop counseling, mentoring, and teaching the next generation of counselors to do the same. For those of you raising young children, there is much to learn here.
Stay in relationship through intentional, collaborative play. It isn’t your job to entertain your child, but make a plan for regular, distraction-free time together.
Let your child fail. Of course you’ll pick them up and help them through it, but don’t replace that broken or lost toy right away. Help them sit with emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger, remember that tolerating these is a must in real life.
Let your child make mistakes and struggle. When they forget something they need for school, don’t bring it to them. Let them feel the weight of it and endure the consequences. Don’t yell or demean them about it, let the natural consequence do the work. Remind them of your love and watch them learn a valuable lesson.
Don’t over-involve your child in activities. There’s no exact formula here, every situation is different. But pay attention to their levels of fatigue and interest.
Be mindful of the importance of balance. Learning limits is an important part of life.
Create limits and stick to them. Life demands that we know how to balance and limit ourselves.
Model everything through your actions. Integrity, balance, time management, having fun, apologize when you need to, work, etc.
There is no “perfect” parent, and no “perfect” generation that did everything right. We are people, and people are messy. But within the mess lies the heart, body, mind, and soul and those combined can do powerful things. Helping our child love the mess that they are and helping them know that they can do great things is a big part of our job as parents. While cooking a giant bowl of fried rice recently I was mindful of the messiness of it – but when it all came together, some kind of magic happened and there was a delicious dinner. We bring our mess, organized as best we can, combine it with our kid’s mess, and through relationship, the template of a masterpiece forms.